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Saturday, July 10, 2010

Airport Security

    My wife and I recently took a trip from New York to Florida.  The security measures taken in boarding an airplane continue to astound me.  My major problems are removing my belt and removing my shoes.  Removing my belt is at least somewhat instructional since now I know what it feels like to be in the pants of some young rapper wannabe.  I had to concentrate a little to keep my pants from ending up down by my ankles but it wasn't that horrible.  Actually I think the real reason they make people remove their belts is so that they won't hang themselves from the frustration of standing in all those check in lines.

    What is horrible as well as disgusting and plain stupid is requiring people to remove their shoes.  For years I have wished that instead of having some jerk trying to hide a bomb in his shoe it should have been some woman trying to hide one in her bra.  It would have made checking in far more interesting.  Instead of arriving two hours in advance to watch people remove their shoes, I for one would have arrived days in advance just to watch women remove their tops and bras.  It might not all be good but hey.

    And by the way why is that after the underwear bomber set his groin on fire we are not required to take off our underwear?  Good thing he wasn't wearing a thong because you know those things can slip through the cracks.

    It was recently suggested to me (and I wish I could take credit for this) that instead of having people remove their shoes, we should have everyone pass through a detonating chamber.  That would be cool!!  No matter what orifice some asshole had a bomb hidden in they'd be gone at the snap of my fingers.  I've given some thought to how these detonating chambers should be designed.  First, they should be sound proof but not too sound proof.  I would like to hear at least a little of the poof or bang that would happen right at the moment that he or she would be sent to their 72 or 1,072 or whatever number of virgins they're supposed to be greeted by.  I couldn't care less how many they get just as long as they're no longer among the living on this planet.  Which leads me to ask something I've wondered about for a long time.  Do female suicide bombers also get 72 virgins when they martyr themselves?  Do they consider that to be a good thing or a further sacrifice for the cause?  Come on folks, give me the female perspective on this.

    Other important design features of a detonating chamber is that it should be easy to clean, leak proof, and probably equipped with a garbage disposal unit.  I would also suggest neutral colors and no grout joints.

    I recognize that passing through a detonating chamber might add a little time to passing through security but then again emptying pockets, removing belts, removing shoes and then reversing the process is not exactly a speedy operation.  Personally I'd prefer to remain in an upright position as opposed to having some fat ass stuck in my face while the person in front of me tries to either secure or unsecure the heel of their shoe.  I also found it to be curious that after completing the inspection a hand sanitizer was made available.  Huh?  What would be more worthwhile would be to have some kind of foot disinfectant.  In Florida the floors appeared to be fairly clean but in LaGuardia it was obvious that there were bacteria and fungi that had been on the floor for so long that they had developed the ability to speak in complete sentences (English and Spanish).

    Folks, there has to be a better way.  I confess that I don't have all the answers but how about a little profiling.  Let's face it, no matter what we do it's all a matter of odds and and even the most sensitive among us has to admit that the odds of being blown up or hijacked by a 65 year old grey haired woman are much lower than a bearded, dark skinned, Arab looking 20 year old male with a fuse hanging out of his sneaker.

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