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Wednesday, June 18, 2014

    So today the federal government, in the name of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, cancelled the trademark of the Washington Redskins claiming that it was "disparaging" to native Americans.  Now while I don't think that anyone who has ever watched a Redskins football game has ever thought about covered wagons lined up in a circle while indians were being shot.  If we're going to take political correctness to this extreme, then I have a few other suggestions.

    We should ban Cracker Barrel for starters.  What's this about?  Shooting a bunch of white people in a barrel?  And what about Cracker Jacks?  This is obviously a reference to white people dressed up in Nazi style "jack" boots.  I am very offended by these brand names.

    Next we have a candy product that's been around forever called Dots.  Is this some kind of slur against women from the country of India?

    And what about Dick's sport shops?  We should change it to Genitalia Sports Shops.

    Another candy called Mounds.  An obvious reference to the female anatomy.  Should be banned.

    Midget football.  Are you fucking kidding me?  How does anyone get away with that.

    Black sheep of the family, the pot calling the kettle black.  This should all be changed.  Sheep of color, dogs of color, kettles of color......that would be far more appropriate.  By the way, as I write this, I am wearing a sleeveless shirt of color.

    While we're at it, we need to change the names of Indiana and Indianapolis.  I wonder how that would go over in an otherwise red state.  But hey, I doubt that either name was derived from some girl named Diana.

    Many times when I was doing yard work during the summer I ended up with a wet back.  I guess now I'll have to change that to a pore secreting back.

    And last, senior citizen?  Since I am apparently one of them I can confidently say, fuck you!!  Last time I was a senior citizen was at the age of 17 when I was in high school.  Now I'm just a little older.

    I say bring back Sambo's.  If we have to make a choice, call it Sambo's instead of insulting all those freckled faced Irish people named Denny.

Friday, June 13, 2014

    I know, I know, I know.  It has been a long time but I've been busy with other things.  Nevertheless, to understand my story today there are a few things you need to know up front.

    First, my wife and I really don't take that many medications.  Maybe a blood pressure pill once a day and a baby aspirin.  That's about it.  But, we do have certain medications that we take once in awhile for reasons I'll explain in a moment.

    For instance, once in awhile I get a little unsettled and a low dose Xanax helps.  Honestly, I maybe take 10 or 12 a year.  I joke with my doctor when I go in and say that I need my annual Xanax prescription.

    Next, you need to understand that we are planning to go to Costa Rica for my older son's wedding and we want to make sure we have all the meds. we'll need being out of the country and all.  So just to make sure we're prepared in case we pick up some bug floating around in what surely will be a germ infested airplane, we wanted to bring an antibiotic.

    The last thing you need to know is that I am 60 years old.

    So when I went to my doctor for a routine physical I made sure to ask him for all of the prescriptions we would need.

    Today I went to the pharmacy to drop off all my prescriptions and not wanting to overwhelm them I just brought three.  All were written on the same day.  One was for Xanax.  One was for Viagra, and one was for an antibiotic.  I didn't think much of it at the time but driving away I wondered what the people in the pharmacy thought about this.  They must have thought that I wanted to get really mellowed out and have a bunch of sex but that I must have some sort of infectious disease.

    I wonder if they'll remember the Viagra prescription when a few days from now I bring in the one for an anti-inflammatory.



Friday, January 28, 2011

What's New Pussycat, Woa Oh Woa Oh Woa Oh

    There was an article in the January 18, 2011 edition of the New York Daily News concerning the plight of Sal Esposito who was recently summoned to appear for jury duty in the state of Massachusettes.  Ordinarily there would be nothing remarkable about the story except that in this case Sal happens to be a pet cat.  Sal's owners/"parents", Anna and Guy Esposito petitioned the court to have their pet Sal disqualified from jury duty on the basis that Sal "is unable to speak and understand English".  Anna and Guy also included a letter from their veterenarian explaining that Sal is not a human being.  The court rejected the petition and as of now Sal is required to report for jury duty at the Suffolk Superior Crown Court in Boston on March 23, 2011.  So I wonder.  Who is running this court?  Tom Jones?  Felix?  Maybe Garfield?  Recently I wrote about why the word duh was invented.  This is yet another example of why the government should never be allowed to run anything.

    After all, we all know how arrogant and belligerent cats can be.  They strut around all day as if their shit doesn't stink and the truth is that they really do at least understand the English language.  They just choose to pretend that they don't.  Dogs on the other hand clearly understand at least basic English and they are loyal and obedient.  So if our courts are that hard pressed for jurors, petition dogs and not those damn cats!!

    But here is even better news.  For those of you who might have missed it I will refer you to my October 3, 2010 posting, Houston We have a Problem, in which I wrote about my friends from the Red Rock Cafe in Garnerville, New York who were willing to volunteer to move a space shuttle to New York City.  In that article I described in detail how between myself and my friends Joe, John, Bill, and Tony with the bad shoulder, we were willing to move a space shuttle saving the tax payers about $18,000,000,000.  Once again we have gathered together and we have decided to make the following offer.  If the city of Boston has run out of dogs and human beings to serve on their juries, we will volunteer to help out.  I have to believe that even if Tony has a bad shoulder, that has to be at least somewhat less disqualifying than the lack of being an actual human being.  Write me back Boston.  We just want per diem expenses to be covered and then we will be ready, willing and able to serve.

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Thursday, January 6, 2011

Why The Word Duh Was Invented

    Here is a complicated formula having to do with water chemistry:

[Ca2+] = SQRT(0.00375/(5.0E10*3.5E-01)) = 4.63x10-7

    Some might consider this trigonometric function to also be complicated:

tan(3x) = [3 tan(x)-tan3(x)]/[1-3 tan2(x)]

    And one last example from the mysterious world of differential equations:

[f(x)g(x)]′ = f′(x) • g(x) − f(x) • g′(x) g2(x)

    Granted, and depending on your area of expertise, it could take quite a bit of education to understand how to solve and apply any of these. So why do I bring this up? Right now, every politician in the country and at every level of government be it local, state, or federal is talking about the need to balance budgets. Gee there’s a good idea. I wonder why I never considered that in my own household? And to listen to them talk, they make it sound as if there really is some complicated mathematics involved that is apparently beyond the range of human comprehension.

    I am about to come to the rescue however. I have taken the time to derive an equation that can be used to balance any budget. I am not including the derivation here since it is far too lengthy and it includes many mathematical symbols that are not available on my keyboard. In the end though it works out to:

Expenditures(E) = Revenue(R)

    Brilliant don’t you think? I know that it works for me and my check book. You should also know that the way to determine if you have derived a true equation is to take the variable, or in this case variables, to the extremes of zero and infinity. If the equation holds true at both extremes then you can assume that you have a true equation. So here’s the proof. If E =0 and R=0, the equation is true. If E=∞ and R=∞, the equation is still true. The problem our politicians seem to have is that they continuously try to raise E to infinity when they have run out of the ability to increase R accordingly. Then they wonder why we don’t have a balanced budget. This is why they invented the word Duh.

    I learned yesterday that as part of their Freshman orientation, each new member of Congress is given, at taxpayer expense, a brand new BlackBerry and a brand new lap top computer. One would expect that with all that high priced hardware and software they should be able to determine the answer to a simple equation. Hell, as my friend Jeff points out, all they need is a four function calculator. For those who may not remember, here is what a four function calculator looked like once upon a time:


    A device that preceded the four function calculator but was really not any less sophisticated is exhibited below:

    So when I hear that our leaders cannot figure out the answer that all the rest of us know (Duh) it makes me want to smack my forehead and scream out a word invented by Homer Simpson…Doh!! Maybe this new Congress will be smarter than past ones. Let’s hope so. Come on guys. Give us fewer reasons to say Duh, fewer reasons to scream Doh!! And hopefully you can do it by consuming less of my dough.

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Thursday, December 30, 2010

They Stole My Idea!!

    Most of us I think will agree that warfare is nothing short of insane.  Throughout history most of the wars that have occurred have probably been the result of some insecure leader with some sociopathic desire to build a bigger kingdom.  The Greek kings, the Roman emperors, Ghengis Khan, Hitler, Hirohito, and Jay Leno have all just wanted to build up a bigger audience of loyal subjects.  In the wake of their wars innocent women, children, and civilians (i.e., Conan O'Brien) have paid the price for their ambitions.

    Personally I have always thought that when leaders get the urge to prove how big their dicks are, instead of involving soldiers and other innocents they should simply challenge the leader of whoever he or she wants to conquer to a duel, fist fight, or kick boxing competition and leave the rest of us alone.  Just let them fight it out and later let the rest of know who won.

    Now I have found that ABC TV has stolen my idea with their program Dancing With the Stars.  I don't know much about this show since I'm really not a fan of any of these reality shows.  But it's interesting to me how much controversy was created when Sara Palin's daughter, Bristol, remained as one of the finalists.  Apparently a large part of the scoring that determines who stays and who goes is a function of audience call ins, text messages, or email votes.  Those opposed to Bristol remaining in the finals attributed their opposition to being pissed about her mother's popularity and some Tea Party conspiracy to stuff the ballot box.  One guy made the headlines for shooting his TV and holding the police at bay for hours because he was so incensed with Bristol's success.

    How cool is that!?  That's how we should resolve all conflicts.  At one time I thought it would save us all a lot of trouble if we had George W. simply get in the ring with Achmadinegad or Saddam Hussein.  Or to find out who would take less time to disembowel Achmadinegad with a fish filleting knife, Sara Palin or Hillary Clinton.  That might be a tougher one to call then one might think even after watching some of Palin's Alaska show.  But let's face it.  It would be very unfair and probably painful to watch Barack Obama go up against Arnold Schwarzenegger in a cage fight.  Hell look at Obama.  He probably couldn't beat Queen Elizabeth.  It would be fun though to watch some hair pulling matches between Michelle Bachman,  Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer, Barney Frank, and some of the other girls out there. 

    But we're in a world of advocating non violence now so Dancing With the Stars is a perfect solution.  Let's do it.  We could have Kim Jong-il square off against Lee Myung-bak and the winner would be right about who conducted the first act of aggression.  The winner could then take on Naoto Kan to see who gets bragging rights for the entire geographical area.  Next, there should be a battle between our own president Barack Obama and the president of Mexico Felipe Calderon.  If Obama wins, Arizona's illegal alien Proposition 1070 would stand.  If Calderon wins, we would dissolve its passage.  Then again, this might not be a good competition since it seems more than likely that Obama might literally take a dive.  Better still, let's have Jan Brewer compete against Calderon.

    Next we could have Barney Frank compete against John Boehner.  What a hoot that would be!!  The winner could have their particular view prevail in the government controlled health care debate.  Whoever wins would end all the nasty commentary and hissy fits exhibited by both politicians and the media.  Plus, how cool would this competition look?!!  Check it out:



    Frankly, I could care less if Dancing With the Stars has stolen my long believed idea.  I really don't care who else might steal it either.  But hey, if it saves lives, saves money, and provides us with some entertainment along the way, what the hell.  Have at it.  Having all these morons compete through dancing would be a vast improvement over what we have today so be my guest.  Meanwhile, I personally am just going to order something from Netflix.  No shooting your TV though.

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Friday, November 19, 2010

Caution: Reading This Column May Be Hazardous To Your Mental Health

    The behavior of our Federal government with regard to the tobacco industry and particularly cigarettes can only be described as schizophrenic. Consider the following. Simultaneously our government provides subsidies to tobacco growers, runs all kinds of programs in an attempt to stop people from smoking the very product it subsidizes, and taxes the shit out of people who purchase the product that again not only does our government allow to be produced but encourages to be produced through subsidies. Confused? The way I see it, this is like spending your hard earned money to purchase doggie treats for your dog and then beating him for eating the very product you bought for him. Actually, when I Googled “tobacco subsidies” (God I love Google! If I was a single guy and I met a girl named Google, I would marry her on the spot). Anyway, according to this web site

http://farm.ewg.org/progdetail.php?fips=00000&progcode=tobacco

our government spent $944,104,224 or almost a billion dollars on tobacco subsidies between the years 2000 and 2009. If you check out the web site you can even see what companies the money went to.

    Our government has also spent money, although I have no idea how much, paying a bunch of bureaucrats to develop labels and such to discourage people from consuming the product that they themselves support. Most recently the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is considering making it a requirement for the manufacturers of cigarettes to place very graphic images on packs of cigarettes since apparently the FDA believes that the current warning labels have been a total failure. From what I’ve read these nitwits actually believe that people who want to smoke cigarettes will stop because of the photos on the pack. Personally I believe that the more interesting they make the photographs the more likely that they will become collectors items. You know, having an original Marlboro pack with a diseased lung pictured will become like having an original Lou Gehrig baseball card. Hell, eventually they’ll be traded on eBay.

    Nevertheless if our government insists on wasting our money, I have developed a few suggestions for these scary, graphic images and the Surgeon General's warnings that should go with them.

    For our intellectual smokers I suggest the following,


SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING:
The graph on the front is a linear regression
analysis indicating the relationship between
smoking cigarettes and cancer given that

I don’t know about you but considering the “r” factor this would scare the shit out of me.

    Then of course we need to consider the not too intellectual rest of us,


SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING:
The actual use of this product will cause
you to run out of cigarettes.  We want
you to buy them though because we need
your tax dollars.

Or,


SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING:
Carrying around a reminder of your tax
bills all day will cause mental illness and
all kinds of physical ailments as well.

    Hello!! Would you really want to buy something that served as a constant reminder of how much money you owed?

    Now of course we do not want to be discriminatory in our labels. We need to be politically correct. After all it would not be proper to focus all our efforts on preventing just white people from smoking. We want to discourage “minorities” with scary graphics as well. So therefore I offer the following suggestion,


SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING:
If you are not white and you use this
product, the guy in the picture will come
to your house!!

    And of course our primary focus should be on teenagers. All of the so called experts say that the biggest battle in preventing smoking is in stopping young people from starting to smoke to begin with . So for them I have a few suggestions like,
 


  SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING:
Yo Dude!!  If you like carry around a
message like this all the time it could
make you like crazy.

    And,

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING:
Wow, it's really really hard to squeeze
out a zit if you're smoking a cigarette

    And this should work too,



SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING:
Smoking cigarettes with your girlfriend
can lead to becoming overly friendly and
her getting pregnant.

    And, if the goal of our government is to put really, really scary pictures on packs of cigarettes there just has to be a special Halloween edition. So I have come up with this,


SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING:
BOO!!

    Lastly, let’s try to combine the effort of the FDA to put scary pictures on cigarette packs with another newsworthy topic.  That being our Transportation Security Administration (TSA) attempt to keep bombers off our airplanes by employing new molestation fondling groping enhanced pat down techniques on boarding passengers.



SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING:
If your wife or girlfriend attempts to carry
cigarettes onto a plane TSA agents will get
a better chance to feel her up than you will.

    Hey if all the experts think this will work and it will save me from having to pay for tobacco subsidies, I'm in.  And I think I really will start to collect them.

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Sunday, November 7, 2010

Let's secede From San Francisco

    OK, enough is enough.  Now the city of San Francisco has passed a law that prohibits the sale of Happy Meals.  Now I agree that kids should get more exercise and I agree that parents should take some level of responsibility for their own kids but I'm not ready to have any government body establishing food police.  I get this sense that there are people in our country who truly believe that they know best how to raise your children and that you should be required to turn them in to some government authority to raise them because they know best.  Maybe you would be allowed to visit them on weekends and holidays.

    We seem to have a high concentration of people who view a free America in this regard and who live in the city of San Francisco.  They call themselves progressives because they are becoming progressively more and more stupid and progressively more and more dictatorial.  So I am proposing that we try to give these nut jobs what they want and try to remove them from those of us who prefer a free country.  As a start, I am urging you all to click on the following web site and sign the petition.  Forward it to all your friends too.  Let's see how far we can get it to go

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/onthemarktoday/