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Friday, January 28, 2011

What's New Pussycat, Woa Oh Woa Oh Woa Oh

    There was an article in the January 18, 2011 edition of the New York Daily News concerning the plight of Sal Esposito who was recently summoned to appear for jury duty in the state of Massachusettes.  Ordinarily there would be nothing remarkable about the story except that in this case Sal happens to be a pet cat.  Sal's owners/"parents", Anna and Guy Esposito petitioned the court to have their pet Sal disqualified from jury duty on the basis that Sal "is unable to speak and understand English".  Anna and Guy also included a letter from their veterenarian explaining that Sal is not a human being.  The court rejected the petition and as of now Sal is required to report for jury duty at the Suffolk Superior Crown Court in Boston on March 23, 2011.  So I wonder.  Who is running this court?  Tom Jones?  Felix?  Maybe Garfield?  Recently I wrote about why the word duh was invented.  This is yet another example of why the government should never be allowed to run anything.

    After all, we all know how arrogant and belligerent cats can be.  They strut around all day as if their shit doesn't stink and the truth is that they really do at least understand the English language.  They just choose to pretend that they don't.  Dogs on the other hand clearly understand at least basic English and they are loyal and obedient.  So if our courts are that hard pressed for jurors, petition dogs and not those damn cats!!

    But here is even better news.  For those of you who might have missed it I will refer you to my October 3, 2010 posting, Houston We have a Problem, in which I wrote about my friends from the Red Rock Cafe in Garnerville, New York who were willing to volunteer to move a space shuttle to New York City.  In that article I described in detail how between myself and my friends Joe, John, Bill, and Tony with the bad shoulder, we were willing to move a space shuttle saving the tax payers about $18,000,000,000.  Once again we have gathered together and we have decided to make the following offer.  If the city of Boston has run out of dogs and human beings to serve on their juries, we will volunteer to help out.  I have to believe that even if Tony has a bad shoulder, that has to be at least somewhat less disqualifying than the lack of being an actual human being.  Write me back Boston.  We just want per diem expenses to be covered and then we will be ready, willing and able to serve.


Thursday, January 6, 2011

Why The Word Duh Was Invented

    Here is a complicated formula having to do with water chemistry:

[Ca2+] = SQRT(0.00375/(5.0E10*3.5E-01)) = 4.63x10-7

    Some might consider this trigonometric function to also be complicated:

tan(3x) = [3 tan(x)-tan3(x)]/[1-3 tan2(x)]

    And one last example from the mysterious world of differential equations:

[f(x)g(x)]′ = f′(x) • g(x) − f(x) • g′(x) g2(x)

    Granted, and depending on your area of expertise, it could take quite a bit of education to understand how to solve and apply any of these. So why do I bring this up? Right now, every politician in the country and at every level of government be it local, state, or federal is talking about the need to balance budgets. Gee there’s a good idea. I wonder why I never considered that in my own household? And to listen to them talk, they make it sound as if there really is some complicated mathematics involved that is apparently beyond the range of human comprehension.

    I am about to come to the rescue however. I have taken the time to derive an equation that can be used to balance any budget. I am not including the derivation here since it is far too lengthy and it includes many mathematical symbols that are not available on my keyboard. In the end though it works out to:

Expenditures(E) = Revenue(R)

    Brilliant don’t you think? I know that it works for me and my check book. You should also know that the way to determine if you have derived a true equation is to take the variable, or in this case variables, to the extremes of zero and infinity. If the equation holds true at both extremes then you can assume that you have a true equation. So here’s the proof. If E =0 and R=0, the equation is true. If E=∞ and R=∞, the equation is still true. The problem our politicians seem to have is that they continuously try to raise E to infinity when they have run out of the ability to increase R accordingly. Then they wonder why we don’t have a balanced budget. This is why they invented the word Duh.

    I learned yesterday that as part of their Freshman orientation, each new member of Congress is given, at taxpayer expense, a brand new BlackBerry and a brand new lap top computer. One would expect that with all that high priced hardware and software they should be able to determine the answer to a simple equation. Hell, as my friend Jeff points out, all they need is a four function calculator. For those who may not remember, here is what a four function calculator looked like once upon a time:

    A device that preceded the four function calculator but was really not any less sophisticated is exhibited below:

    So when I hear that our leaders cannot figure out the answer that all the rest of us know (Duh) it makes me want to smack my forehead and scream out a word invented by Homer Simpson…Doh!! Maybe this new Congress will be smarter than past ones. Let’s hope so. Come on guys. Give us fewer reasons to say Duh, fewer reasons to scream Doh!! And hopefully you can do it by consuming less of my dough.