Dear Employer

    In the August 26, 2010 edition of the New York Post it was reported that a study by the Department of Health found that among people aged 35 to 64, 89% of women and 93% of men ate fewer than the recommended five servings of fruits and vegetables each day.  In analyzing the data I can only reach one conclusion which is that 11% of adult female New Yorkers and 7% of adult male New Yorkers are liars.  Would you like to know who eats 5 daily servings of vegetables?  A cow.  And that assumes that we count grass as a vegetable.  Maybe some gorillas eat 5 servings of bananas but I am quite certain that no human being actually sits down and eats fruits or vegetables 5 times a day.  It's just more "expert" crap.

    I have to admit though that for a period of time I really did try to live my life according to all the expert advice I knew about.  As a result, I had to send the following letter to my employer.

Dear employer,

    I know it has been quite some time since we have seen each other but I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that I am really striving to achieve the self fulfilling and socially responsible life style that all of us in the 21st century should be working toward.

    Not too long ago I visited my doctor. He recommended that I change my diet to avoid fat, cholesterol, and all those artificial preservatives that they use in store bought food. So I’ve been getting up at 3:30 each morning to get to the pier by 4:30 to pick up the fresh catch of the day. Then it’s out to the farms to select organically grown fresh fruits and vegetables.

    I’m also following his advice to take a brisk 15 minute walk after each meal to supplement (not instead of) my daily 3 mile run and my 60 minute weight training to tone my upper body and to strengthen my abdominals. He says the latter is important to avoid back problems as I age.

    It’s hard enough to accomplish all the above and still get the recommended eight hours of sleep and by the way have you ever actually read the owners manual for your car? It says that before you operate your car you should check all the fluid levels, the air pressure in your tires, and walk around it to make sure that there is nothing behind you in the driveway. I actually started to come to work one day last week but my tire pressure gauge wasn’t working and I didn’t want to take the chance. I must tell you though that in the future it will be hard to get to work on time. I mean between the fresh fish, trips to the farms, checking my car, well I shouldn’t have to tell you how much time that all takes.

    I’ve also been spending a lot of time on my vacuum cleaner. I never realized how much time it could take to maintain a vacuum cleaner until I read the manual. Between filter changes, checking the belt, oiling the bearings, checking the electrical cord, etc. Can you believe that I used to just plug the thing in and vacuum!? Talk about voiding your warranty.  I won't bore you with the demands placed on me by some of my other appliances.

    Of course it’s getting close to the end of the summer now and I’ve been reading up on all the things you’re supposed to do to prepare for the colder weather. There are gutters to clean, trim that needs to be scraped and painted, windows to caulk, door weather stripping to replace, and of course I have to reseal my deck and driveway. I can’t believe how much time this all takes but I think when I get my next raise I’ll install vinyl siding and thermal windows. That should help.

    I’ve also been trying to spend quality time with my children like all the psychologists recommend. So I’ve started coaching a little league team and a soccer team. Its fun but all the practices, games, contacting parents and league meetings take up an awful lot of time. My wife has also become more demanding since she read someplace that the average happy couple engages in sex three times a week and of course we’re both striving to be better than average. It’s amazing how something that would have taken about 10 minutes a week years ago now takes damn near an hour and a half (HaHaHa).

    Anyway, as you can see I have been rather busy lately and I’m not sure when I’ll have enough time to come to work. I have been looking at my schedule and right now next Tuesday looks good. However, I heard about a storm coming and they say that if it hits only people who absolutely need to be on the road should be. But if the weather passes and my fluid levels are OK and if there are no foreign objects behind my car I should see you then. I’ll have to leave early though for my semi annual check up at the dentist. If I make it I’ll see you then but if not, tell everyone I said hello.

                                                                                                             Sincerely,
                                                                                                             Mark