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Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Size Does Matter

    Now here is a topic that probably will be familiar to the women out there but I think that it will surprise most men.  A couple of weeks ago my wife and one of her female cousins were discussing women's dress sizes.  I heard my wife say that when she was in high school she wore a size 12 and that now she wears a size 6.  Now for the men out there let me explain that the statement she made has absolutely nothing to do with her actual size.  And just so you get an appreciation for the numbers, my wife and her cousin both have Jennifer Aniston-like bodies.  I mean these two women have shapes that any 18 year old girl would be thrilled to have and I'm not saying that just to score points (although that would be nice).  I'm just trying to describe how little the size number actually means.  It would be as if when you were 20 years old you wore a size 10 shoe and now you wear a size 6 because the manufacturers have decided to change the way that sizes are measured.

    In fact, in the last few days I have learned that some clothing manufacturers really have created the size zero, size double zero, and extra extra small jean sizes.  I have also learned that a woman who might have a size 10 dress in her closet from 10 years ago can also have a size 2 from today but both dresses are the same size.  So why is this?  Apparently it is called "vanity sizing" meaning that women feel much better being a size 2 than they do being a size 12 so manufacturers have simply changed the labels.  And there is no consistency or standards  between manufacturers.

    The concept of changing size labels kind of flies in the face of efforts that have been undertaken by, for example, Mayor Bloomberg in New york City, where it is now the law that certain "Food Service Suppliers" (FES's) must now post on menus and displays how many calories are contained in each meal.  This is because New Yorkers now carry around calculators to determine how many calories they consume each day.  I suppose as a result there are many New Yorkers who now order a double quarter pounder with bacon and extra mayonnaise but ask to hold the cheese.  But here's a great thing!!  They no longer need to worry.  If they want to consume 3,000 calories each day instead of 2,000 calories and remain the same size they can simply buy their clothing from a different manufacturer.

    So I've been thinking of other measurements that we should change and while we're on the topic of women, let's start with bra sizes.  Since we can make a 5'-2", 150 pound woman a size zero, let's make the minimum bra size a 34C.  That would not only be great for the self esteem of the women but it will also have a synergistic effect on their boyfriends or husbands.  I can hear the discussion now, "Yo dude, my girl wears size zero jeans and has a set of 34C's that you wouldn't believe"!!  No one will know that she is actually anorexic.

    Then there are shoes.  I have learned that women do not want to be known as having big feet.  None of them want to buy a pair of size 9 shoes.  So let's throw away all of those heel to toe machines and recalibrate them so that the maximum size will be a 7.  And those one size fits all night shirts and sweat shirts, they will now be called petite.

    As for the men, they have the opposite concern when it comes to shoe sizes.  No man wants to have small feet because of a certain alleged correlation that I won't get into here.  So from now on the smallest men's shoe will be a size 11.  In addition, waist sizes will no longer be measured in inches.  Instead they will be measured in meters.  That way instead of growing from your boyish 32  pant size to a 40 middle age size you will merely go from a .8 to a 1.0 which is hardly even significant.  And here's something I honestly don't know anything about but when you go to a regular pharmacy or convenience store the smallest condom you will be able to purchase will be labelled size XXXXL.  If you need larger you will be required to go to a Big and Tall store.  I can imagine the conversations.  "Yo man, I went to the Big and Tall store to buy my monthly gross of rubbers (12 dozen).  I hate going to that place.  The traffic sucks.  I wish I could fit into the XXXXL ones".

    And here's a few things for both genders.  We're going to outlaw bathroom scales that measure your weight in pounds.  Instead, scales will weigh us in kilograms.  That way instead of tipping the scale at 180 you will tip it at 80.  The smallest size diamond you will ever own will be 2 carats.  The range for IQ charts will be changed to start at 150.  EZ Widers will become EZ Ultra widers and foot long hot dogs will now measure 6".  There will also be no such thing as beginner courses for anything.  No more beginner ballroom dancing classes or beginner guitar lessons.  Everything will begin at the advanced level.  That will make everyone feel better.

    The one unit of measure we will never mess with however is the tad.  The tad is the basis of life, the best unit of measure that has ever been invented having whatever units are convenient at the time.  The tad can be used to express units of time, distance, volume, weight, or anything else.  "I am going to be a tad late", "Can you move the painting a tad to the left", "I weigh a tad over 180".  (Although with my new system it will be a tad over 80).  How cool is that!!  Although we have now changed the unit for weight the tad remains a constant.  The tad can never be replaced.

    So here's the bottom line.  It's not about losing weight, gaining weight, being in better condition, dancing or computer abilities or about anything else.  It's all about how good we feel.  Isn't that right?

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