And Now For An Important Announcement

    Last week we all watched the progress of Hurricane Earl.  Everyday and for 24 hours every day we were given television and radio updates every ten minutes on the progress of the storm.  First it was a category 4.  Then a category 3.  Then a 2 and back to a 3 and I guess at the end a category zero if there is such a thing.  By the way, and this is an aside, for those of you say aged 50 and over.  Was there such a thing as "The Hurricane Season" years ago?  Seems to me that the hurricane "Season" is relatively new.  Twenty, thirty years ago we just had hurricanes... I think.  Anyway, while tracking the storm it seemed to be very important to the meteorologists that I know what the current category of the storm was as if I would know the difference.  I mean I get that a 5 is more intense than a 1 but I think most of us would have difficulty defining the difference between a 2 and a 3.

    For tornadoes there is also a ranking scale known as the Fujita scale or F-scale (thank God for Google).  Tornadoes can range from an F-0 to an F-5 and after studying the charts a little I'll be damned if I could explain with any certainty the difference between an F-3 and an F-4.

    Then we have earthquakes that are explained to us using the Richter Scale.  Here is an explanation of the Richter scale that I copied and pasted from a USGS web site, "The magnitude of an earthquake is determined from the logarithm of the amplitude of waves recorded by seismographs. Adjustments are included for the variation in the distance between the various seismographs and the epicenter of the earthquakes. On the Richter Scale, magnitude is expressed in whole numbers and decimal fractions.   Because of the logarithmic basis of the scale, each whole number increase in magnitude represents a tenfold increase in measured amplitude; as an estimate of energy, each whole number step in the magnitude scale corresponds to the release of about 31 times more energy than the amount associated with the preceding whole number value."

    I don't know if that clears things up for any of you but I'm not sure if anticipating a 5.7 earthquake as opposed to a 5.5 would change my plans for the day.  Hell, most people don't believe their bathrooms scales let alone some guy named Richter.  I guess it really doesn't matter anyway since they never tell you the number until after it's already over.

    We also have ways for measuring things other than natural disasters.  For example, burns can be first, second, or third degree.  I think I have a sense for what a first degree burn is and I don't even want to think about what a third degree burn is but be honest, without cheating (Googling), how many of you can explain the technical difference between a first degree burn and a second degree burn?

    And the craziest system ever invented is the color alert system invented by some knucklehead in the Department of Homeland Security.  How many of you know the difference between, and more importantly know what you should be doing differently, when we have a green alert level as opposed to a yellow alert level?  How many of you know if green is even one of the colors?  Honestly, they should just make a separate Google key for all keyboards.  Actually there are five levels with red being the highest alert level and proceeding down through orange, yellow, blue, and green.  At least they could have put blue and green in the correct order and added an indigo and violet category but hey, it's already useless enough.

    Imagine this scenario.  You are driving along at 75 MPH with 5,000 or so other semi-attentive drivers on a certain section of Route 80.  All of a sudden all 5,000 of you simultaneously hear on the radio that the Department of Homeland Security has just changed the threat level to green.  There would be accidents all over the place.  People would be trying to Google on their iPhones, calling their cell phone providers to get instant internet service, texting friends and family members to find out what code green means.  All Hell would break loose and all because we went to a lower threat level.

    In an attempt to remedy all the confusion I am proposing that instead of assigning different scales for measuring the seriousness of different events and instead of developing scales based on complicated formulas we should simply explain the seriousness of all events in plain language that everyone will understand.  I therefore propose that we start with may get your attention and proceed through check your insurance, be wearing clean underwear, say your prayers, and of course you all know what the last one should be but my wife does not like me putting the "F-Word" in print.

    Now let's compare the response that would result using my system instead of the current ones by returning to the road trip on Route 80.  All 5,000 semi-attentive drivers at 75 MPH would simultaneously hear "And now for an important announcement.  The Department of Homeland Security has changed the threat level to wear clean underwear".  There would be no panic.  No one would be searching for their iPhone at 75 MPH.  There would be no reason to text a loved one.  Instead, everyone would simply exit the highway at the next Walmart exit, go inside, and purchase new underwear.  Simple.  Clear.  That's the way it should be.

Dear Employer

    In the August 26, 2010 edition of the New York Post it was reported that a study by the Department of Health found that among people aged 35 to 64, 89% of women and 93% of men ate fewer than the recommended five servings of fruits and vegetables each day.  In analyzing the data I can only reach one conclusion which is that 11% of adult female New Yorkers and 7% of adult male New Yorkers are liars.  Would you like to know who eats 5 daily servings of vegetables?  A cow.  And that assumes that we count grass as a vegetable.  Maybe some gorillas eat 5 servings of bananas but I am quite certain that no human being actually sits down and eats fruits or vegetables 5 times a day.  It's just more "expert" crap.

    I have to admit though that for a period of time I really did try to live my life according to all the expert advice I knew about.  As a result, I had to send the following letter to my employer.

Dear employer,

    I know it has been quite some time since we have seen each other but I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know that I am really striving to achieve the self fulfilling and socially responsible life style that all of us in the 21st century should be working toward.

    Not too long ago I visited my doctor. He recommended that I change my diet to avoid fat, cholesterol, and all those artificial preservatives that they use in store bought food. So I’ve been getting up at 3:30 each morning to get to the pier by 4:30 to pick up the fresh catch of the day. Then it’s out to the farms to select organically grown fresh fruits and vegetables.

    I’m also following his advice to take a brisk 15 minute walk after each meal to supplement (not instead of) my daily 3 mile run and my 60 minute weight training to tone my upper body and to strengthen my abdominals. He says the latter is important to avoid back problems as I age.

    It’s hard enough to accomplish all the above and still get the recommended eight hours of sleep and by the way have you ever actually read the owners manual for your car? It says that before you operate your car you should check all the fluid levels, the air pressure in your tires, and walk around it to make sure that there is nothing behind you in the driveway. I actually started to come to work one day last week but my tire pressure gauge wasn’t working and I didn’t want to take the chance. I must tell you though that in the future it will be hard to get to work on time. I mean between the fresh fish, trips to the farms, checking my car, well I shouldn’t have to tell you how much time that all takes.

    I’ve also been spending a lot of time on my vacuum cleaner. I never realized how much time it could take to maintain a vacuum cleaner until I read the manual. Between filter changes, checking the belt, oiling the bearings, checking the electrical cord, etc. Can you believe that I used to just plug the thing in and vacuum!? Talk about voiding your warranty.  I won't bore you with the demands placed on me by some of my other appliances.

    Of course it’s getting close to the end of the summer now and I’ve been reading up on all the things you’re supposed to do to prepare for the colder weather. There are gutters to clean, trim that needs to be scraped and painted, windows to caulk, door weather stripping to replace, and of course I have to reseal my deck and driveway. I can’t believe how much time this all takes but I think when I get my next raise I’ll install vinyl siding and thermal windows. That should help.

    I’ve also been trying to spend quality time with my children like all the psychologists recommend. So I’ve started coaching a little league team and a soccer team. Its fun but all the practices, games, contacting parents and league meetings take up an awful lot of time. My wife has also become more demanding since she read someplace that the average happy couple engages in sex three times a week and of course we’re both striving to be better than average. It’s amazing how something that would have taken about 10 minutes a week years ago now takes damn near an hour and a half (HaHaHa).

    Anyway, as you can see I have been rather busy lately and I’m not sure when I’ll have enough time to come to work. I have been looking at my schedule and right now next Tuesday looks good. However, I heard about a storm coming and they say that if it hits only people who absolutely need to be on the road should be. But if the weather passes and my fluid levels are OK and if there are no foreign objects behind my car I should see you then. I’ll have to leave early though for my semi annual check up at the dentist. If I make it I’ll see you then but if not, tell everyone I said hello.

                                                                                                             Sincerely,
                                                                                                             Mark

Who's Responsible?

    We are most obviously in an economic mess right now with high unemployment, a huge national debt, no economic growth, and a housing crisis of unprecedented proportions.  Yet the current Obama administration seems to not want to take any responsibility for the situation and he himself as well as his supporters prefer to blame Bush.  I've heard so much from Obama and his supporters blaming George Bush for everything from high unemployment to genital herpes that I've wondered if any of our so called leaders is responsible for anything.  But then again, and to be objective, maybe they are correct.  So I have decided to attempt to figure out if we can or cannot determine who really is responsible.

    Now to be fair, it's kind of hard to blame Obama for everything.  After all, he did inherit from George W. Bush an economy that was wracked by a sub prime mortgage crisis, two wars, and a huge increase in our national debt.  But then again "W" inherited a rapidly declining economy and an uncertain international trading environment from Bill Clinton.  So maybe one could say that this is all Bill Clinton's fault.  But Clinton inherited a largely faltering economy from George H. W. Bush who was more concerned with world affairs than he was with domestic policies to the point that he even had to go back on his campaign promise of "no new taxes".

    However, it wouldn't be fair to blame H. W. since he inherited an economy from Ronald Reagan that saw our national debt grow from $1 trillion dollars to $3 trillion dollars during the course of his presidency and he also presided over the stock market crash of 1987.  But look what Reagan stepped into.  He was handed unprecedented high interest rates, high unemployment and such dismal economic conditions that Jimmy Carter himself referred to it as an " economic malaise".  Jimmy Carter had a tough road though since from Gerald Ford he started with record setting inflation rates and high unemployment.

    So you might think that this is all the fault of Gerald Ford until you think about what he inherited from none other than Richard Nixon.  Under Nixon we had wage and price controls, oil prices quadrupled, and that's besides all the criminal stuff that went on.  But Nixon can't be blamed based on what Lyndon Johnson did before him.  Johnson tried to establish the "Great Society" and in doing so surpassed FDR in helping himself to money that didn't belong to him.  He spent our money on such programs as the War on Poverty, the neighborhood Youth Corps, VISTA, food stamps, Head Start, the Model Cities Program, the National Endowment for the Arts, he expanded the use of Medicare and Medicaid funds, and on and on and on.  With apologies to sailors, he spent our money like a drunken sailor.

    With respect, I am passing over our 35th President, John F. Kennedy.  Unfortunately, he was not in office long enough before his assassination to make either a positive or negative impact on our long term economic failure or success.  So in essence, poor Johnson inherited the results of the Eisenhower Administration whose claim to fame is three recessions that ran from 1953-1954, 1957-1958, and 1960 before Kennedy was elected.  Gee there's an accomplishment.  Then again, Eisenhower wasn't exactly left a booming economy by Harry Truman.  Truman spent much of his presidency engaged with post WWII and later Korean War foreign affairs and was vehemently opposed by congress in his attempts to further FDR's "New Deal" policies with something he referred to as the "Fair Deal".  And it goes without saying that Truman had a tough time given that his predecessor, FDR, had presided over the largest expansion of government involvement in the free market economy ever and whose policies led to a deep recession prior to his death in office.

    Of course FDR probably didn't have too many choices since Herbert Hoover left him in the throes of the Great Depression but many think that it was the laissez faire approach by Calvin Coolidge toward big business that encouraged the over speculation that ultimately led to the beginning of the Great Depression.  Warren G. Harding didn't do Coolidge any favors though with the Tea Pot Dome and other scandals.  And Woodrow Wilson before him was the jerk that started the system of federal income taxes.

    Now before these guys was a series of presidents including William Howard Taft, Theodore Roosevelt, William McKinley, Grover Cleveland, Benjamin Harrison, and Grover Cleveland the first time who for years and years embroiled the country in one controversy after another concerning tariffs on foreign trade, battles between our agrarian culture and big business, inheritance taxes, progressive taxes, corporate taxes and all kinds of ways for the federal government to interfere in the economy.  Before them, Chester Arthur  vetoed a bill that would have restricted cheap "coolie" labor and even vetoed a safety and health bill that would have required minimum safety standards for incoming steamers carrying the aforementioned coolies.  Those were 25 or so very messy years.

    James Garfield didn't contribute much to our economic efforts since he was shot by Charles J. Guiteau and spent most of his six month presidency dying from the blood poisoning caused by the wound.  Before him, Rutherford B. Hayes presided over all kinds of general strikes including the "Great Railroad Strike" of 1887 and he refused to use troops to quell the domestic disturbances.

    All of which brings us to our 18th president Ulysses S. Grant.  In both the domestic and foreign realms, President Grant could claim a wide range of achievements. In the aftermath of the most serious fiscal problems the nation had ever faced, he pursued policies that stopped inflation, raised the nations credit, and reduced taxes and the national debt by over $300 million and $435 million respectively.   However his poor handling of the "Panic of 1873" led to a severe recession and basically wiped out any prior success.

    So there you have it.  It's not Obama.  It wasn't George Bush.  It was none other than this guy that started all this mess.   Everything was going good until he screwed things up.  That fat bastard.  I mean this asshole couldn't even give Lt. Colonel Custer half way decent military intelligence.  No wonder they gave him his own tomb in some remote location in the Bronx.  And now that I have clearly and indisputably demonstrated that the real culprit for today's economic crisis is in fact Ulysses S. Grant, and I'm sure we can all agree on that, maybe now we can stop focusing on who is responsible and instead focus on how to fix things.  Although I'd bet my next pay check that if you asked Ulysses about all this, he'd probably blame Andrew Johnson who was known as a drunken imbecile and a ludicrous bore.  Bastard.

Size Does Matter

    Now here is a topic that probably will be familiar to the women out there but I think that it will surprise most men.  A couple of weeks ago my wife and one of her female cousins were discussing women's dress sizes.  I heard my wife say that when she was in high school she wore a size 12 and that now she wears a size 6.  Now for the men out there let me explain that the statement she made has absolutely nothing to do with her actual size.  And just so you get an appreciation for the numbers, my wife and her cousin both have Jennifer Aniston-like bodies.  I mean these two women have shapes that any 18 year old girl would be thrilled to have and I'm not saying that just to score points (although that would be nice).  I'm just trying to describe how little the size number actually means.  It would be as if when you were 20 years old you wore a size 10 shoe and now you wear a size 6 because the manufacturers have decided to change the way that sizes are measured.

    In fact, in the last few days I have learned that some clothing manufacturers really have created the size zero, size double zero, and extra extra small jean sizes.  I have also learned that a woman who might have a size 10 dress in her closet from 10 years ago can also have a size 2 from today but both dresses are the same size.  So why is this?  Apparently it is called "vanity sizing" meaning that women feel much better being a size 2 than they do being a size 12 so manufacturers have simply changed the labels.  And there is no consistency or standards  between manufacturers.

    The concept of changing size labels kind of flies in the face of efforts that have been undertaken by, for example, Mayor Bloomberg in New york City, where it is now the law that certain "Food Service Suppliers" (FES's) must now post on menus and displays how many calories are contained in each meal.  This is because New Yorkers now carry around calculators to determine how many calories they consume each day.  I suppose as a result there are many New Yorkers who now order a double quarter pounder with bacon and extra mayonnaise but ask to hold the cheese.  But here's a great thing!!  They no longer need to worry.  If they want to consume 3,000 calories each day instead of 2,000 calories and remain the same size they can simply buy their clothing from a different manufacturer.

    So I've been thinking of other measurements that we should change and while we're on the topic of women, let's start with bra sizes.  Since we can make a 5'-2", 150 pound woman a size zero, let's make the minimum bra size a 34C.  That would not only be great for the self esteem of the women but it will also have a synergistic effect on their boyfriends or husbands.  I can hear the discussion now, "Yo dude, my girl wears size zero jeans and has a set of 34C's that you wouldn't believe"!!  No one will know that she is actually anorexic.

    Then there are shoes.  I have learned that women do not want to be known as having big feet.  None of them want to buy a pair of size 9 shoes.  So let's throw away all of those heel to toe machines and recalibrate them so that the maximum size will be a 7.  And those one size fits all night shirts and sweat shirts, they will now be called petite.

    As for the men, they have the opposite concern when it comes to shoe sizes.  No man wants to have small feet because of a certain alleged correlation that I won't get into here.  So from now on the smallest men's shoe will be a size 11.  In addition, waist sizes will no longer be measured in inches.  Instead they will be measured in meters.  That way instead of growing from your boyish 32  pant size to a 40 middle age size you will merely go from a .8 to a 1.0 which is hardly even significant.  And here's something I honestly don't know anything about but when you go to a regular pharmacy or convenience store the smallest condom you will be able to purchase will be labelled size XXXXL.  If you need larger you will be required to go to a Big and Tall store.  I can imagine the conversations.  "Yo man, I went to the Big and Tall store to buy my monthly gross of rubbers (12 dozen).  I hate going to that place.  The traffic sucks.  I wish I could fit into the XXXXL ones".

    And here's a few things for both genders.  We're going to outlaw bathroom scales that measure your weight in pounds.  Instead, scales will weigh us in kilograms.  That way instead of tipping the scale at 180 you will tip it at 80.  The smallest size diamond you will ever own will be 2 carats.  The range for IQ charts will be changed to start at 150.  EZ Widers will become EZ Ultra widers and foot long hot dogs will now measure 6".  There will also be no such thing as beginner courses for anything.  No more beginner ballroom dancing classes or beginner guitar lessons.  Everything will begin at the advanced level.  That will make everyone feel better.

    The one unit of measure we will never mess with however is the tad.  The tad is the basis of life, the best unit of measure that has ever been invented having whatever units are convenient at the time.  The tad can be used to express units of time, distance, volume, weight, or anything else.  "I am going to be a tad late", "Can you move the painting a tad to the left", "I weigh a tad over 180".  (Although with my new system it will be a tad over 80).  How cool is that!!  Although we have now changed the unit for weight the tad remains a constant.  The tad can never be replaced.

    So here's the bottom line.  It's not about losing weight, gaining weight, being in better condition, dancing or computer abilities or about anything else.  It's all about how good we feel.  Isn't that right?

Where Did All the Oil Go?

    Yesterday I watched a CNN news report during which reporters were interviewing various experts and trying to determine where all of the Gulf oil had gone. Apparently after weeks and weeks of having millions of gallons of oil pour into the Gulf from a BP rig no one can figure out where it all went after only a week or so of having the now famous cap in place. I’m not sure why anyone is surprised about this since I think it’s a simple matter of arithmetic and I’m going to try to give you a better understanding of why I would say that.

    First, let’s examine some facts. Although estimates vary it appears reasonable to assume that about 90,000,000 gallons of oil were spilled into the Gulf. Now also consider that the volume of our oceans is about 300,000,000 cubic miles which equates to 3,300,000,000,000,000,000,000 gallons or if you prefer 3.3 billion trillion gallons. Now I’m sure many of you have heard about contamination levels reported in food or water and the usual expression is in terms of parts per million or with really dangerous stuff parts per billion. What we now have as a result of the BP spill is a contamination level of about 3.7 parts per hundred trillion.

    So let’s put this in some perspective. I thought it would be most helpful to look at guidelines established by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for the consumption of fish since let’s face it; they’re the ones that live in the ocean. Mercury is considered to be safe at levels below 1 part per million, lead at 1.7 parts per million, arsenic at 86 parts per million, and PCB’s at 20 parts per billion. As a result, I don’t think we should be too panicky about a little oil at 3.7 parts per hundred trillion.

    Another way to look at this would be in terms of world population. Currently there are about 6,697,254,041 people living on this planet. 041, 042, 043..forget it I’m stopping the counter at 041. That means that if people were contaminated at the same percentage as the ocean there would be about 18/10,000 of a contaminated person or one medium size hang nail.

    Or let’s pretend that a car could get 25 miles per gallon running on seawater at the same level of contamination. In order to consume all of the contamination the car would have to be driven 14.8 trillion miles. At a rate of 60 miles per hour that would take 27,739,726 years without stopping to pee.

    Alright alright let’s make it a little more personal and humanistic. Tiger Woods reportedly had affairs with between 15 and 20 different women. Now given that there are about 100,000,000 spermatozoa emitted during each sexual encounter (I’m trying to be polite here) and if Tiger was contaminated at the same level as the ocean he would have to have encounters with 3,700,000 women before he became clean again. To look at this in terms of time let’s assume that each encounter would take 10 minutes which is oddly enough about the same time that it takes to play a hole of golf.  Note that I am only including the actual coupling time and not the time for drinks, dinner, and other preparatory activities. Tiger would have to be engaged with a woman non stop for 25,694.45 days or 70.4 years without stopping to pee.  And, that would assume that he pars every hole if you know what I mean.  In terms of weight, Pamela Anderson or Richard Simmons would have to be on the receiving end, so to speak, of 24,420 pounds or 12.21 tons of Tiger’s genetic material. I’m not even sure if that’s possible.

    So there you have it. I have tried to put the magnitude of the Gulf oil spill in terms that people would be better able to understand. I hope this helps and I hope it let’s you all sleep a little easier tonight. And by the way, I didn’t make up any of these numbers. Check the arithmetic on your own.

How to Pay For Health Care

    One of the sideshows that has caught my attention during the never ending debate over health care reform is the dialogue that has come from a number of sources.  In a nutshell some are complaining that it is really those no good, low life, lazy, fat, cigarette smoking, diabetic people that are the cause of high health care costs for all of us perfect people.  So I've been thinking about that and I'd like to propose some creative initiatives to lessen the burden across the board and to make sure that everyone is paying their fair share.

    Let's start with the most obvious target, smokers.  As we all know by now smoking has been named as a main cause of many health hazards including lung cancer, emphysema, high blood pressure, and erectile dysfunction.  And so it would stand to reason that people who smoke should pay some sort of premium to offset the cost of their health care and I would have no argument with that.  But the fact is that in most states smokers already pay all kinds of taxes on tobacco products to the point that state taxes alone can run between $3 and $5 per pack of cigarettes.  So smokers are already paying more than their fair share.

    Here's the problem though.  If health care is the issue than all of those tobacco taxes should be going to offset the cost of health care and not be going into a general fund that is used to support bridge and road reconstruction.  Does that make any sense?  Do smokers wear out bridges faster than non smokers?  Of course not.  As Step 1, I therefore propose putting all that tax money where it belongs.

    But that brings me to the non smokers.  Non smokers frequently whine, nag, and try to coerce smokers into stopping smoking.  They constantly remind them that smoking is a disgusting habit, that it destroys their health and can even lead to erectile dysfunction.  All of this whining and nagging can lead smokers to suffer from low self esteem.  It can cause depression, anxiety and other mental health issues that frequently lead to more physical health problems.  As a result, whining, nagging non smokers directly increase our health care costs.

    Now it would be impossible to identify which non smokers are naggers and which are not but I think it's safe to assume that most are self righteous enough to have caused mental health issues for someone along the way.  I therefore propose as Step 2 that whenever anyone purchases anything at a store where tobacco products are sold and if they refuse to purchase any tobacco products, they should be assessed a health care tax of $3.15.

    Next we have the exercise crowd.  Their claim is that sedentary lifestyles lead to obesity, heart problems, high blood pressure and erectile dysfunction.  And I think they are probably right.  So here's Step 3.  Let's have a tax of $10/week for everyone who cannot demonstrate a valid membership in a local fitness center.  And, to avoid the tax, you must be able to demonstrate that you actually work out a minimum of 5 times per week.  You can't just belong to a club.  In fact the tax on people who belong to a club but never work out will be doubled just because people like that just annoy others by lying about working out and that annoyance can lead to significant mental health problems in those they annoy.

    Then there is alcohol consumption.  Numerous studies in the United States have indicated that the consumption of two glasses of red wine every day is good for your heart.  In Europe, similar studies have demonstrated the same results for the consumption of four 12 oz servings of beer.  Therefore I propose as Step 4 that you will be taxed $5 for each day that you do not consume at least two glasses of wine or four 12 oz beers.  Of course there will be an exemption for people who can definitively prove that they are bonafide alcoholics.  However, keep in mind that if you can prove that you are a non drinking alcoholic you will then be placed in the same category as non smokers and therefore be required to pay a minimum health tax of $200/yr.

    Now we turn to sexual activity.  According to research having 30 minutes of sex with your partner at least twice a week reduces the risk of fatal heart attacks in both men and women by 50%.  And due to its very nature it helps prevent erectile dysfunction.  So here's Step 5.  Twice a week and you're good.  Once a week, you owe $5.  Not even once, you owe $10.  And just to be clear sex with yourself does not count.  You must have a consenting adult partner to give you a hand...so to speak...and no I don't mean to clap to acknowledge any solo performance.

    I'll be back with more on this topic but I think this is a pretty good start in assuring fairness for all.

Airport Security

    My wife and I recently took a trip from New York to Florida.  The security measures taken in boarding an airplane continue to astound me.  My major problems are removing my belt and removing my shoes.  Removing my belt is at least somewhat instructional since now I know what it feels like to be in the pants of some young rapper wannabe.  I had to concentrate a little to keep my pants from ending up down by my ankles but it wasn't that horrible.  Actually I think the real reason they make people remove their belts is so that they won't hang themselves from the frustration of standing in all those check in lines.

    What is horrible as well as disgusting and plain stupid is requiring people to remove their shoes.  For years I have wished that instead of having some jerk trying to hide a bomb in his shoe it should have been some woman trying to hide one in her bra.  It would have made checking in far more interesting.  Instead of arriving two hours in advance to watch people remove their shoes, I for one would have arrived days in advance just to watch women remove their tops and bras.  It might not all be good but hey.

    And by the way why is that after the underwear bomber set his groin on fire we are not required to take off our underwear?  Good thing he wasn't wearing a thong because you know those things can slip through the cracks.

    It was recently suggested to me (and I wish I could take credit for this) that instead of having people remove their shoes, we should have everyone pass through a detonating chamber.  That would be cool!!  No matter what orifice some asshole had a bomb hidden in they'd be gone at the snap of my fingers.  I've given some thought to how these detonating chambers should be designed.  First, they should be sound proof but not too sound proof.  I would like to hear at least a little of the poof or bang that would happen right at the moment that he or she would be sent to their 72 or 1,072 or whatever number of virgins they're supposed to be greeted by.  I couldn't care less how many they get just as long as they're no longer among the living on this planet.  Which leads me to ask something I've wondered about for a long time.  Do female suicide bombers also get 72 virgins when they martyr themselves?  Do they consider that to be a good thing or a further sacrifice for the cause?  Come on folks, give me the female perspective on this.

    Other important design features of a detonating chamber is that it should be easy to clean, leak proof, and probably equipped with a garbage disposal unit.  I would also suggest neutral colors and no grout joints.

    I recognize that passing through a detonating chamber might add a little time to passing through security but then again emptying pockets, removing belts, removing shoes and then reversing the process is not exactly a speedy operation.  Personally I'd prefer to remain in an upright position as opposed to having some fat ass stuck in my face while the person in front of me tries to either secure or unsecure the heel of their shoe.  I also found it to be curious that after completing the inspection a hand sanitizer was made available.  Huh?  What would be more worthwhile would be to have some kind of foot disinfectant.  In Florida the floors appeared to be fairly clean but in LaGuardia it was obvious that there were bacteria and fungi that had been on the floor for so long that they had developed the ability to speak in complete sentences (English and Spanish).

    Folks, there has to be a better way.  I confess that I don't have all the answers but how about a little profiling.  Let's face it, no matter what we do it's all a matter of odds and and even the most sensitive among us has to admit that the odds of being blown up or hijacked by a 65 year old grey haired woman are much lower than a bearded, dark skinned, Arab looking 20 year old male with a fuse hanging out of his sneaker.